I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
