i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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