I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
