She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
