Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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