Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
