Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
