the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
