Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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