Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize