Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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