I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
