how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
