so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
