I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
