why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
