Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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