I wish I only lived at night.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Text me some of your sweat
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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