No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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