I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
