did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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