Your face is a jimmy john
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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