My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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