I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
