Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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