That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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