There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
