what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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