I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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