I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
