she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
