so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
