Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
