It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Randomize
