babies were throwing up all over the place
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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