She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
