Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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