Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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