This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
