Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize