What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
