We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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