I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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