It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
