Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
