i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
