Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
