Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
