im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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