The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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