I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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