I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
