I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
