woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
