my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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