Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
