Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
