They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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