honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize