Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
