I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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