My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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