i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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