We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
