Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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