onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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