If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
