My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
