The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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